I'm a little bit paranoid. Zombieland made me terrified of public bathrooms. I'm scared of bears eating my face. I'm scared of rejection, failure and vampires. Really, I'm a pretty unstable mess. I'm also afraid of being abducted and raped and tortured but I've found a method to dealing with most of my fears.
First off, I always tell myself that nothing bad happens in Canada. It's true. You never watch a horror movie that takes place in Saskatchewan. You'll never hear about werewolves terrorizing Prince Edward Island. In Zombieland, did they meet a Vancouver or a Toronto? No. No they did not. Truth is, nothing bad ever happens in Canada.I'm pretty much safe based on that rule alone.
Secondly, if something really important is coming up, I'm very sure I can't die. If I have my first day of work tomorrow or next week even, I can't die. If my birthday is coming up(or anyone else's birthday) I can't die. I won't die before a party, before a social gathering, when something exciting might happen or when I'm getting ready to go somewhere. I can't die when something important is on its way because they need me for said important thing. The universe can't do that to me.
Third, I walk around with sticks now. I really don't want to get raped and I'm barely five feet tall so basically, I'm a sitting duck.I don't think anyone in their right mind would rape someone with a stick. Just imagine it; a short, Hobbit of a girl with dreads walking around and swinging a stick. It just radiates the message 'if you try to rape me, I'll stab you in the stomach with this pointy fucking stick'. I don't think I would try to rape someone with a stick. I also plan to go for the eyes. I'm pretty sure I could gouge someone's eyes out pretty effectively.
On that note, I'm babysitting at the moment. I'm kind of a crappy babysitter. I don't really babysit, I just make contests like 'how far can you walk on your hands' contests. I never participate because I'm 'too old'. I tell them to run up and down that extremely steep hill outside as many times as they can while I sit at the top of the hill with some tea and watch. It's not that I don't care, I just don't know how to interact with children. They don't get my humor. I make a joke about Jeffrey Dahmer and they just look at me. If I keep them busy with physical tasks(betting usually works really well to get them on their feet and running. Children will go to great lengths for a quarter, because if they get four of them they can buy a cool toy at the dollar store or a candy bar) then I don't have to talk to them except for the occasional 'Wow, you're fast' and 'How many more times can you do that?'. I'd be a bad mother too. I wouldn't have a conversation with my child until he or she was twenty. That would be an awkward day.
Another trick I use is the drawing trick, if they're young enough girls. Young girls love to draw so if I ask them to go draw me their very best farm picture, they'll be gone for twenty minutes pouring over a piece of paper and a bin of scented markers. I think I should actually start being a good babysitter, I think I'm being paid for this crap. Luckily, some fond admirer is here to fawn over the child like a crazy person. I really hate the high-pitched baby voice people use for children and dogs. 'OH LOOK AT YOUR ICKLE FAAACE OH MY GOD YOU SHO KYOOOOT!'
I'm going to go tickle this child.
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