Being good at minesweeper is like suddenly realizing you’re a legitimate genius, you know the cure for every illness and you could easily sketch out a blueprint for a working time travel device.

I haven’t had internet for the past few weeks. I’d love to say I’m fine with it, that I’ve been getting a lot done and all that faff, but the truth is it’s been killing me. I’m a great fan of the internet and all it has to offer me so when the neighbours I’d been ‘borrowing’ wireless from cut me off/stopped paying their bills/moved, I died a little bit inside. Luckily I found a few ways to pass the time. First, I borrowed a bunch of movies from a friend.

I borrowed Hotel Rwanda, The Code, Don’t Mess With The Zohan, Zack & Miri Make a Porno, The Producers and X-Men: Origins.

Hotel Rwanda was the saddest movie I’ve seen in my entire life. I’ve watched it twice and I’ve cried about sixteen(I’m so not even joking about that number) times because of it. It’s the best role I’ve seen Don Cheadle in and it was based on a very, very true story which makes it all the sadder. I really appreciated this movie. If you’re looking for something to inspire you, Hotel Rwanda rocks but it’s extremely sad and very disturbing.

The Code was lame. I love Antonio Banderas and Morgan Freeman but it was really sub-par and that made me sad. It tried to keep you guessing but instead of the ending being all ‘OH MY GOSH it was the butler all along’ I felt a little more along the lines of ‘I see what you did there. Next movie.’

Don’t Mess With The Zohan was gay.

Zack & Miri Make a Porno… if you haven’t seen it yet, you really should. I thought it was great. It had everything I love in it; coffee, porn, Craig Donaldson, Lester the Molester and a Canadian boy taking it up the pooper from a lady. There’s also a legitimate porn star in it; see if you can guess which one it is. Not only was it hilarious, naughty, disgusting and slightly arousing but it also had undertones of cute romance so a couple could easily watch it and the guy could enjoy the fucking and the dirty humour and the girl could enjoy the sweet romance story hiding behind Jason Mewse’s beautifully groomed nutsack.

The Producers is the balls, in a good way. Can’t even describe it in words. Matthew Broderick can definitely have the key to my chastity belt.

X-Men Origins. Jesus. Never make me watch his travesty ever again. It was a disaster in the worst way. Bad acting, shitty story line, awful, awful writing. I’m pretty sure there is absolutely nothing they could have done to make that movie worse.

Actually, that’s a lie; they could’ve put Taylor Swift and Keanu Reeves in it.

So that’s what I spent my first week doing. I’d go to work, I’d come home from work, I’d be a crazy cat lady for a while and then I’d watch a different movie. I also had a Lord of The Rings commentary marathon with myself over the course of a few days. That wasn’t depressing at all. The second week was a blur of colour and sales. I’m not even sure I was conscious at all. Now we’re beginning the third week of no internet and by God, let me just say I am over-fucking-joyed.

The good news is I actually caved and ordered Telus to hook my shit up. By the end of this week I should be running wild and free on the internet again and that brings me some hella joy. I’ll be paying an arm and a leg for it every month(thank God I’m a starfish) but all that really means is I have to give up my WoWing for a while. It could be worse.

What I was getting at with this, though, was the point that when you have no internet you get really good at the games your computer comes with. Which reminds me, second week was filled with Sims 3. I begged my mommy to buy it for me like a true pussy. Don’t judge me, I got desperate. Anyhow, the games your computer comes with should include solitaire, spider solitaire, backgammon, some other shit and minesweeper. I played solitaire for a while until I realized I was just hitting H the whole game and gave up. Then I switched to spider solitaire and realized I couldn’t beat my high score, got frustrated and sketched a zombie. Then I started playing minesweeper and my life changed.

You will always suck at minesweeper in the beginning. If you’ve never played it before, you can expect to be fucked constantly. Once you figure it out though and you start getting slowly better, you feel like a MENSA member. You can do anything in the world once you figure out minesweeper. I felt like a genius when I won for the first time.

On a change of subject, apparently I’m fighting an infection of sorts because my lymph node feels like a grapefruit hanging off of my jaw and I’m becoming delirious. I started out drawing Harry Potter as a unisaurus-rex creating a rainbow. Awful things followed it. I’ll just leave you with my creations that occurred throughout the night as I became more tired, more ill and more fascinated with the different brushes in paint.

There you have it. My regression from relatively normal and colourful to...

I'm going to go back to work.