Since I have been gone so long, I decided I should have something to prove that I wasn't just being mean and neglectful and trying to keep you all(chortlechortle) on your toes. I have compiled a list of lessons I've learned during my first three weeks of living on my own as a proper adult. I know most lessons only stick if you learn them yourself but at least you'll have some idea of what to expect. If you already are an adult, feel free to sit back and laugh at my failures.
1. Watching Criminal Minds at 4:30 AM and then thinking you can actually cram two and a half hours of sleep in before work is completely ridiculous. First off, we both know that when you actually want to go to sleep you're never able to but when you're with friends and watching a movie you can fall asleep without a problem. Secondly, you just finished watching an episode about young girls being abducted and tortured. You live on your own with a cat that thinks more about his own balls than you. If someone breaks in, you are officially dead. There's no way in hell you'll be sleeping.
2. You can't fix your own toilet. I understand that you'd really like to be handy and smart, I really do, but the more you play with it the more you break it. This rule applies to most household things; sink, shower, toaster oven, that one loose tile you thought you could just glue.
3. You have to do your own laundry. A lot of you knew this already and that was on your to-do list. You have a hamper and laundry soap and a roll of quarters so you can go down to the laundromat and be an adult. That's all fine and dandy, but this also means you actually have to do it. Do not wait until flies gather around your overflowing hamper and you're forced to fashion a diaper-like structure out of an old toque to make up for the fact that you have no clean underwear.
4. Nobody's going to wake you up and tell you to go to work. If you don't have a great alarm, set some jogging pants next to your keys in the morning. You will be running to work.
5. Don't watch crime shows at full volume. Your neighbours worry when they hear girls screaming and crying in your apartment.
6. If Dad offers to buy you groceries, say yes or you'll be eating a different piece of your second-hand couch every night.
7. Don't get sick. Mom isn't there to make you chicken soup. You can only call in sick so many times. On a happier note, this means no more rectal thermometers. Or was that only in my family?
8. I realize you think you'll look like an idiot if you wear your helmet while riding your bike to work, but you'll look like even more of an idiot when you fall and hit your head because your motor skills suck.
9. The best lessons are ones you forget and have to relearn over and over.
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